BOUNDARIES
Exploring the Types of Boundaries and How to Set Them
Why even set personal boundaries? Let's be honest, if you’re reading this blog you already know exactly why you need to set healthy boundaries. You don’t need a spiritual healer to tell you that, your emotional intelligence speaks for itself!
Go. You.
Boundary setting is an essential aspect of self-love. Neglecting your principles and allowing your thoughts to remain unspoken is a straight-up betrayal of that love. To preserve and fully express your identity you need to:
Establish relationship boundaries with lovers,
Discuss boundaries in your friendships,
And stay consistent by enforcing them.
Otherwise, your boundaries will not be taken seriously. If you don't set boundaries you can’t expect others to respect them, and when you do set boundaries and let them be disrespected you sacrifice your power. Simple as that. Over time this will foster resentment, and it will grow, and the relationship will die.
Don’t let this self-destruction ruin your life.
If you don’t like something about your life, you have to actively change it. You owe it to yourself to live a free and beautiful life, not submit to the will of others.
Read on to learn about the types of boundaries, what they’re meant to do, and how to set boundaries.
What Makes a Boundary Healthy and How to Discover These Boundaries
Before we dive into the various types of personal boundaries, we must define what makes a boundary healthy. Trust me when I say this, unhealthy boundaries exist, and they bleed relationships completely dry.
We’ve already discussed a great example of an unhealthy boundary. Allowing your boundaries to be crossed builds resentment and this resentment boils and broods and bubbles until eventually, you explode. You only explode because the last straw finally broke the camel’s back – because your true boundary was finally crossed.
We all have boundaries, but often we don’t set them in the right places to protect our self-love and our relationships. These are unhealthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, are simply set in the right places to protect the right things. It takes a level of self-awareness and emotional intelligence to figure out what's right for you and what's not, but it’s not impossible and I believe in you.
Here are some ideas to help you discover where you need to place boundaries in your life. Do you need:
Boundaries in friendships that preserve your principles?
Relationship boundaries that make you feel safe being vulnerable?
Boundaries that your significant other(s) hasn’t set for themselves?
Boundaries that protect your peace?
Boundaries that oppose codependence and promote interdependence?
There are plenty of types of boundaries so don’t hold back. Explore your emotions! You’ll find yourself discovering boundaries that you’ve never set or experienced before, thoughts you’ve never had, and pet peeves you’ve never noticed. Once you’ve done that, all you need to do is plan how to set your boundaries.
Types of Boundaries
As you explore your feelings and reflect on your relationships, you’ll realize just how different each one is. Each person is completely unique, and your compatibility with each person will vary based on all sorts of things, even self-love.
You can’t treat one like you would treat another, however, by setting healthy boundaries you can kill 100 birds with one stone. Or in our case, a bunch of little stones, although I don't recommend picturing that scenario.
Understanding the difference between boundaries will help you figure out how to set boundaries, so let’s begin.
Personal Boundaries
These are promises that you make to yourself. They are the limits that you have to protect yourself from reaching. They do require a bit of emotional intelligence, but you already knew that.
Personally, I can only manage so many friendships at a time while balancing work, so the boundary I have set for myself is that I will not allow myself to spend too much time with friends. Boundaries in friendships are just as important as in professional boundaries.
I didn’t give myself a specific number of friendships to keep because each one is different and requires different amounts of my time. If I find myself at my limit, I will voice this to my friends and those who are not compassionate of my boundaries will find their way out of my life.
When my personal boundary has been crossed, I seek to revise my relationship boundaries.
Relationship Boundaries
All boundaries are meant to grow and change as you do, and sometimes you’ll find yourself outgrowing the people in your life. This is okay, this is natural, and this is self-love. There is nothing wrong with this and emotionally intelligent people in your life will understand.
The issue evolves when you neglect your growth out of fear of it.
These healthy boundaries are meant to show us who is willing to grow with us. They are meant to root out the people who are holding us back, especially those who lack emotional intelligence.
Growth means sacrifice, but you can still choose what you sacrifice. Sometimes you’ll sacrifice your lovers for their friendship because it's a hell of a lot better than losing them entirely. Other times you’ll sacrifice various friendships for your lovers because your lover taught you how to grow. Always remember, boundaries in friendships are just as important as romantic boundaries
Some sacrifices hurt a lot, some hurt less than others, and some don’t hurt at all. The trick is to choose wisely and continue to grow. Selfishness has its purpose after all.
Emotional Boundaries
For our final type of boundary, let's dig deeper into the psyche.
Emotional boundaries are expectations that you set within yourself and others to protect your emotions. Some of these are personal boundaries, others are relationship boundaries, and some aren’t boundaries at all but are instead promises you make to yourself.
This can mean promising yourself to eat three meals a day because you know you get crabby. This can mean promising yourself not to procrastinate on that one project and ultimately stress yourself out. This can mean promising yourself never to pick up a bottle of alcohol again – because you promised someone else. These boundaries are ultimately about self-love.
These boundaries can be temporary or long-term, they can be deep or playful, or they can be difficult. All they need to do is protect us, even if from ourselves.
You’ve probably heard that you are your own worst enemy. This is true, everyone has self-destructive behaviors and everyone betrays their principles from time to time, but by holding yourself accountable as often as you can, you lessen the burdens. When you discover how to set boundaries life becomes simpler, truthfulness becomes natural, and loving becomes effortless.
There is no race, no clock, and no competitors. We fix our lives on our own time by implementing all types of boundaries.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
I’ve got good news, though be it cliche! It all starts with a choice. Since you’ve made it this far, that choice has already been made, no backsies.
Congratulations! Half the battle is over, all you’ve gotta do now is finish it.
Boundaries in friendships and relationship boundaries are about compassion and emotional intelligence while personal boundaries and emotional boundaries are all about accountability. You have to commit to your thoughts and not suppress them out of shame. You are a mighty warrior, a finely tuned machine, and there is no valor in such cowardice!
First I want you to write out your boundaries on a piece of paper and stick it on the fridge in pride! Be proud of yourself for wanting to grow and better your life.
Read what you’ve written aloud. Scream it, speak it into existence, and make it real! Words have the power to save lives; to topple governments; to order Big Macs. Of course, they have the power to change your life! All you need to do is believe in yourself the same way I believe Star Wars was based on a true story.
Then, when you come face to face with adversity, don’t abandon your self-love, and don’t be afraid to pause for a few moments and think about what you want to say. If you explain these healthy boundaries to those around you and find their reactions to be defensive, it's not because you attacked them, it's because they fear change. Maybe they even fear losing the control they have of you.
Nonetheless, that is straight-up, not your problem. If they can’t respect your boundaries, that's on them. They might just not have the same emotional intelligence that you do, and that’s okay.
Their expectations of you are not your responsibility.
Read that again.
This goes for all types of boundaries, especially boundaries in friendships and relationships. You can do everything right. You can wait for a moment of calmness. You can be loving. You can be compassionate. You can even ask them what boundaries they might like to set. If after all that they still refuse to acknowledge your emotions in a sympathetic manner, then there is a problem with the relationship much deeper than setting boundaries.
The right people will receive your words with love and understanding. You might have to remind them a few times, but as long as they’re trying to respect your boundaries you have nothing to worry about. Change is hard, give them some grace, and teach them how to set boundaries for themselves.
Importance of Personal Boundaries and Self-Love
At this point, it better be clear how important boundaries are. If it’s not, start over because something went over your head and I will not let you continue to betray yourself. You’re worth more than that and you know it.
By setting healthy boundaries you’re giving yourself permission to nurture your self-love. How can you expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself? You can’t.
You need to preserve your identity with boundaries to show others how you want to be loved. Otherwise, they’re playing a guessing game, walking on eggshells, and trying not to piss you off. That’s not fair. That’s not kind. That’s selfish – truly.
Maybe you don’t have all the answers just yet, but you have the emotional intelligence to figure it out. Be patient and kind to yourself. Set relationship boundaries in your own time. The answers are there; you just have to look for them, and it's okay to ask for help.
It’s okay to ask me for help.
Have you ever had your Boundaries pushed? What did you do? Comment below and let me know if you have any additional advice to share!
